If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode
by Kirihana
Summary: A Teen Titans Fairy Tale! Any man who can make Princess Raven laugh will have her as his bride. AU, BBRae, slight RobStar. AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is my first posted fic, so I want lots of reviews! Just kidding, I'll be happy if I only get one review. Enjoy! Oh, and you may remember that Victor Stone is Cyborg's real name. I'm using that because this is a fairy tale, and his robotic self would be very out of place. Alternate universe, but the opening theme is mentioned because it seemed appropriate at the time. Eventual BBxRae, implied RobxStar.

Short dashed lines between paragraphs, because I am having formatting issues.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. They don't even own themselves.

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

**A Teen Titans Fairy Tale**

Raven glared at her cousin. "I can't believe you did this." Prince Robin shrugged. "It was Duke Stone's idea, not mine."

"Remind me to kill him later. In the meantime, I refuse to have any part in this."

"You don't really have a choice. Your father has already agreed to it."

"Since when did my father participate in my life?" Robin shrugged again. "Sorry. It's one of the disadvantages of being a princess. You don't get to choose who you marry."

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"Hear ye, hear ye. Our own Prince Robin has declared that his cousin's hand is available for marriage. The first man who can make Princess Raven laugh will have her as his bride."

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(Opening theme)

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Beast Boy was about to steal some fruit from a cart when the town crier made the announcement. He immediately forgot about the fruit. He'd seen Princess Raven at Jump Kingdom's many festivals, sitting with her cousin, Prince Robin. He thought she was pretty, but if she ever smiled she might be beautiful. The princess was also rumored to have strange powers that, when combined with her temper, often caused things to explode. And it was common knowledge that Princess Raven _never_ smiled. Still, it wasn't like he had anything to lose…or so he thought until he saw the line of young men in front of the T-shaped palace. "I'll never get in there," Beast Boy complained. "Not that it matters," he told himself as he wandered away. "What kind of chance would I have with a princess?"

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_Knock knock_. "Go away!" Raven called. "I am sorry to disturb you," said the voice on the other side of her bedroom door. Raven frowned, for various reasons. The voice was female, and unfamiliar. It sounded as though the speaker selected her words carefully, which meant one thing: foreign princess. That also meant something, at least by the standards of Robin's closest advisor, Duke Victor Stone: prospective bride for the prince. Raven's suspicions were soon confirmed. "His Grace Duke Stone suggested that you and I get to know each other and become friends."

"I don't need any friends," Raven replied. She was being rude to this girl, who probably didn't deserve it, but the girl had been sent by the duke, who did. "Oh," said the girl. "Perhaps we could converse anyway? I am new to your kingdom, and many things are strange to me." Raven sighed and opened the door. She looked the new princess up and down. She was roughly a head taller than Raven, which meant she had a few inches on Robin as well. Her skin was an orangey sort of tan, and her eyes were green, "whites" and all. She had long dark red hair and unsurprisingly wore purple, the most popular "royal" color in existence. "Who are you and where are you from?"

"I am Princess Koriand'r of the planet Tamaran."

Raven thought. She had a few books that were in Tamaranean, and though she was rusty, she could still remember some of the language. "Your name means Starfire, doesn't it?" The new princess brightened. "Yes!"

"Then that's your new name. Lesson one: In this kingdom, the majority of the idiots like to speak English, especially when it comes to names. The easier to pronounce, the better."

"Oh, what a joy to have such a teacher! I will surely remember your advice. And your name is Raven, is it not?"

"Yeah, and yes, I am named after a bird. But so is my cousin, so that shouldn't matter too much." Starfire was silent for a moment. Raven sighed. "What?" Starfire blushed. "Please, what is a bird?"

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Robin moved his knight forward. "One of these days you're going to do something, she's going to come looking for you, and I'm not going to stand in her way." Duke Victor laughed as he analyzed the chessboard. "Hasn't happened yet. By the way, you're meeting Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran at the ball tonight." Robin glared at his best friend. "Another princess? Are you so determined to marry both of us off?" Vic made his move, and Robin instantly took the piece. "Better question: Where's the Tamaranean princess right now?" Vic frowned at the board. "With Raven." Robin just shook his head. "You are so dead."

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Beast Boy sighed for what had to be the fifty-thousandth time since yesterday's announcement. Every time he looked at the palace he sighed. The line in front of the T-shaped tower was considerably shorter than it had been twenty-four hours ago, but still too long for the changeling to feel he had anything resembling a chance of meeting the princess. He was fairly certain that he could make her laugh. He didn't know exactly how, but he felt it could be done if he could just meet her. He looked up and involuntarily sighed once more.

"What troubles you, child?"

Beast Boy whirled around in surprise. A kind-looking old woman blinked back at him. He paused to catch his breath and let his heartbeat return to a normal rate. "Sorry, you just…startled me." The old woman chuckled. "Yes, I tend to have that effect on people. You haven't answered my question, though." Beast Boy thought for a moment. "Your question? Oh! Well, I was just thinking about Princess Raven." The old woman's apparently perpetual smile widened. "So, the princess has captured your heart, has she?" Beast Boy blushed. "Well, I don't really know her, so I can't…"

"No need to explain, dear; it happens all the time. But everyone deserves their chance at true love, don't they?"

The situation was feeling more and more awkward. "I, uh, I guess so…" The old woman grinned. "Of course they do! It's just those nasty rules keep getting in the way!" Beast Boy blinked. "What rules?"

"Oh, you know. Never dance in glass shoes, watch out for rose bushes…"

"The princess always marries a prince," Beast Boy muttered. The old woman shook her head. "No, now that one's just a myth. Many a time a princess has married a common man without a lick of sense, and they still got their happily ever after. Always made me wonder about those princesses, 'course, but it isn't any of my business." Beast Boy began to edge away. "Um…yeah. I… I have to go." The woman's smile instantly vanished. "Now wait just a minute, boy! Do you want help romancing that princess of yours or not?" Beast Boy stopped. "I didn't know you were offering to help."

"'Course I was! Didn't I say that?"

"Uh, no."

The old woman paused. "Well then, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Here." She handed him her worn, tattered cloak. Beast Boy took it hesitantly. "Not to make you mad again, but what good it this going to do?" He got an exasperated noise in reply. "It's magic, you idiot. Wear that and anyone who sees you will think you're a prince. But be warned: It will only work for two weeks. If you've managed to win the princess's heart by then, you'll still have to tell her the truth. If you haven't… well, I hear their considering executing the suitors who fail." She laughed at Beast Boy's horrified expression. "Have a nice life, dearie!" And then she was gone. Beast Boy looked down at the innocent cloak he held in his hands. Figured the day would come that his life depended on a magic blanket.

---End Chapter One---


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, everyone who reviewed absolutely rules! I love you people! And actually, I've been writing for years. This is just the first thing that made it to the internet. Raven may be slightly OOC, but I'm trying very hard to keep everyone in character.

About my formatting… It's kind of easier to put the dashed lines between paragraphs than to change my writing style ('cause every time I hit enter it starts a new paragraph, but that's not how it was in Word…), so I apologize if you have issues with it. Also, I'm not always this fast on updating, but reviews inspire me… (hint, hint) So we continue!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. For which they are probably grateful.

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

**Chapter Two**

Raven eyed her reflection in the mirror disdainfully. Starfire, of course, was gushing about how lovely she looked and how delightful the ball tonight would be. Raven was considering ripping this dress to shreds. It was pale pink, ridiculously frilly, clashed horribly with her hair, and a gift from Duke Stone. It rustled when she moved. "That's it, I'm not wearing this." Starfire finally noticed Raven's annoyed expression. "But why, friend Raven? The gown the Duke has selected is most pleasing to the eye, is it not?" Raven shook her head as she ducked into the nearby dressing room. "Not to my eye. Do you see anything that isn't pink out there?" Starfire looked around the large, bedroom-sized closet. Finally she spotted something dark lying on the floor. She handed it to Raven. "Will that do?" Raven took the new outfit. It was black, form-fitting, and completely against every rule in Duke Stone's recent publication, Fashion Etiquette for Princesses, which she knew he had written for her. "Perfect."

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Beast Boy eyed his reflection in the shop window as he walked past it, amazed. In the window, he appeared to be a prince dressed in royal finery. When he looked down, he saw the same thing. Even when he moved, it felt like he was wearing the princely clothes, not a magic cloak. "So the old woman wasn't completely crazy," he muttered. He at last reached the palace. As there was a ball tonight, the line was considerably longer once more. The ball wouldn't start for hours, though, which gave him time to think of what he should say to the princess. Should he start with a joke? If so, about what? No, she never laughs. She wouldn't like his jokes. So what, then? Random facts? No, she probably didn't care that all of the moons of Uranus are named after Shakespearean characters. This was going to be harder than he thought.

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Robin sighed. This ball was not his idea of fun. Of course, it wasn't his idea at all, so any boredom could very easily and correctly be blamed on Vic. The Duke was still trying to push Princess Starfire at him, but she just blushed every time she came within two feet of the dark-haired prince. Raven, seated in the smaller throne next to him, looked to be having even less of a good time. Every young man who came in was introduced to her by Vic, and nearly every one asked her to dance. They all got the same reply: Raven glared at them. It almost made Robin want to laugh, since this was obviously not what Vic had hoped for. But if he laughed, Raven would send her "death glare" his way. Bad enough to see other people get it. He didn't want to be on the receiving end.

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Eligible bachelor number seven hundred and fifty-six was at least twenty years her senior, a fact by which Raven was completely disgusted. But behind him… "Prince Garfield of Logan," Duke Stone announced. Raven raised an eyebrow. Garfield of Logan was a very rich prince, by his clothes, but she had never seen anyone with green skin. At least no one who wasn't seasick. Even his hair and eyes were green. Of course, she had violet hair, so who was she to talk? He bowed much as the others had, and when he straightened, their eyes met. Raven shifted uneasily. What was that spark she had just felt? She'd never felt that before, not with anyone. Beast Boy tried not to stare at the princess, but it was hard. This was the first time he'd seen her up close. He found his voice with difficulty. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Your Highness." For once Raven's antisocial instincts failed her and she found she could not give this young man the same reply she'd given the others. "Likewise, Prince Garfield." Beast Boy blushed. "Please, call me Gar. Um, would you like to dance?" He held out his hand, expected her to refuse. To the surprise of everyone watching and even Raven herself, she took his offered hand. "Why not?"

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Halfway into Beast Boy and Raven's third dance Robin was forced by Duke Stone to cut in. The aforementioned Duke then took Beast Boy aside. The changeling was actually a bit relieved, as he and the princess had not spoken since their initial exchange. Little did he know what was in store for him. Vic Stone grinned not quite pleasantly. "So, Prince Garfield, where exactly is the kingdom of Logan?" Beast Boy gulped. "Um, it's Gar. Logan is… really, really far away. Unbelievably far." Vic nodded. "I see. Then it was a long journey for you, wasn't it?"

"Uh, yeah, you could say that. It'll take me two weeks to get back."

"Really? And if you don't mind my asking, who are your parents?"

"Dude, what is with the third degree? Can't you just take the facts and accept them?" Vic's eyes narrowed. "What kind of prince says 'dude'?" Beast Boy tugged at his collar. "The really cool kind?"

Luckily the orchestra had just taken a break, freeing Raven from her momentary social obligations. She ignored Vic as she approached the pair, turning only to Beast Boy. "Gar, would you like to see the gardens? They look best in the moonlight." Beast Boy blushed slightly, aware that many, many pairs of eyes were on him. "Sure, Your Highness." Raven looked at Vic pointedly. "Please, call me Raven."

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"I'm gonna kill her. Soon as this ball is over, the girl is dead." Robin resisted the urge to laugh. "I don't think her father would be too pleased about that. Besides, isn't this what you wanted to happen?" Vic grimaced. "Yeah, but I was trying to find her a well-established, titled kind of guy, not some prince that shows up out of nowhere from a kingdom nobody's heard of!" Robin shook his head. "She's never agreed with your ideas before. I don't know why you expected her to start now." The orchestra began playing again, and Robin smiled just a bit. "Excuse me." Duke Victor Stone watched in amazement as the prince of Jump City stood and approached the princess of Tamaran. They were far enough away that the Duke couldn't hear what was said, but the gist of the conversation became clear when Robin led Starfire onto the dance floor. Vic sighed. "At least he's got the right idea."

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"Thanks for saving me back there," Beast Boy said once he and Raven were outside. "My pleasure," she replied. "I also told Robin a few things while he and I were dancing." Beast Boy perked up, glad that she had come up with a good topic for discussion. "Really? What?" Raven looked at him, surprised by his interest. "Duke Stone is trying to work out an engagement between Starfire, the princess of Tamaran, and my cousin. I like to think that I know more about girls than he does, so I gave Robin a bit of advice." Beast Boy glanced through the Hall's large windows. "You told him to ask her to dance?"

"It worked for you, didn't it?" Raven replied, blushing instantly when she realized what she'd said. Beast Boy chuckled. "Yeah, I guess so. You might get mad at me for asking this, but… How come you never smile?" Raven looked away. "I never really had a reason to. My father is a complete tyrant and his kingdom was like a living hell. Here, I don't know. I suppose that all the years of not smiling just make it harder to start." Beast Boy thought about this. "Well, I'm gonna find something that makes you smile. Better than that, I'm gonna be the one who makes you laugh." Raven glared at him, though not nearly as fiercely as she might have. "Why, so you can marry me?" Beast Boy shook his head. "Nope. So you can know what it's like to be happy." Raven reached for a rose, stroking the soft petals. "I don't do happy." Beast Boy smiled. "Maybe not, but you will."

---End Chapter Two---

I think that's a nice place to end, don't you? I have no idea how long this is going to be. And actually, it was meant to be based off of "The Golden Goose." It just took on a life of it's own and hasn't made it back to my original intentions. Oh well. Review please! I love reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry I made you guys wait so long! Like I said on my profile, this is the only story I don't have prewritten, so it's harder for me to work on. But I'm back now, and hopefully we can get somewhere! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. Why do you think they're having a big party right now?

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

---Chapter Three---

Beast Boy was getting nervous. He had only two more days before his disguise would wear off. In the past twelve days he had tried every joke and stupid trick (most of which involved him turning into animals) he knew and still failed to get Raven to even crack a smile. For some reason she preferred to spend time with him instead of the bazillion other princes and nobles seeking her hand, but it wasn't doing him a whole lot of good. When he wasn't trying to amuse her, they talked. Raven wasn't much of a socialite, so getting her to open up was almost as hard as making her laugh. Worse, the princess's father had just issued a decree that all suitors refused by Raven would be executed. Raven told Beast Boy that such action was completely pointless, but then, she wasn't the one at risk. He was, and he didn't know how much longer his luck would hold out.

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Raven put the book she'd been trying to read down. Why was it that _he _kept coming into her thoughts? _He_ really had no business there, but she couldn't stop her mind from summoning _him_ up. Did she like him? The only other person Raven might have said she liked was her cousin Robin, and even then it was questionable. So what was it about… Gar? Her frown deepened. The name didn't even suit him. His clothes didn't suit him, and he didn't even act like a real prince half the time. Maybe that was it, since all of the princes she'd met were pompous, idiotic windbags after her hand and whatever else came with it. Gar didn't seem to care about the vast fortune she had for a dowry or even marrying her in general. He'd told her himself that that wasn't his goal. Unfortunately, if she refused him officially he would be killed. For some reason Raven couldn't understand, the thought of his death upset her. It upset her enough that she'd made the lamps in all of the first and third floor corridors explode the first time the thought had occurred. She hadn't minded sending the first twelve who'd already failed to their deaths. So why did the idea of doing that to him scare- fear? When had she last felt fear of anything?- her so much? Could it possibly be that she actually- she shuddered at the idea- cared for him? Since birth Raven had been trained not to care; to suppress any and every emotion that surfaced. Not only did her emotions trigger her powers, but they were completely useless. Until now. She began to pace the library, further frustrated by her thoughts. She was so absorbed in her musings that she didn't see the library's other occupant until she literally ran into him. Then she looked up and stared into his pale, pale blue eyes. The tall young man she had run into bowed deeply. "Forgive me, your highness, for disturbing you. Duke Stone said I might find you here."

Raven blinked, trying to clear her head. "And you are?"

The white-haired young man smiled. "Malchior. Prince Malchior."

The Ice Princess cracked just a bit. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Malchior," she said almost mechanically. He smiled and kissed her hand, causing a very slight blush to appear on her cheeks. "Oh no, Princess. The pleasure is all mine."

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Beast Boy went looking for Raven that afternoon. He didn't have any new jokes, but at the very least they might talk some more. Instead he found Duke Stone. Ever since the ball the Duke had been less than pleasant to Beast Boy, and it unnerved the changeling to see the Duke looking very, very pleased with himself. He decided to risk ruining the Duke's mood. "Um, hi."

Vic looked at the green-skinned boy as though he would like nothing better than to squash him flat. Which, actually, he had been considering until roughly five minutes ago. Now there was no need. "What?"

Beast Boy bit his lip. "You wouldn't have happened to see Princess Raven recently, would you? Your grace?" He added the appellation as an afterthought, hoping it would lessen the Duke's wrath. Poor Beast Boy was absolutely shocked when Vic smiled. "I have, in fact. I just left her in the gardens with Prince Malchior."

Time stopped. "Prince who?"

The Duke's smile widened. "Prince Malchior. He just arrived from his own distant kingdom, where I hear he recently slew a dragon."

Beast Boy nodded vaguely, his mind reeling. "A dragon, you say…" He shook his head to clear it. He was being ridiculous. Raven was probably bored out of her mind by this guy. Yes, it was surely just another thing set up by the Duke, and Raven was waiting to be rescued! So rescue her he would! Beast Boy bowed, still trying to remain polite and hide his eagerness to rush to Raven's aid. "Thank you, your grace." He ran off in the direction of the palace gardens. Vic watched him leave, highly amused. "I love me," he murmured.

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Beast Boy hid in the bushes, waiting for Raven and Prince Malchior to walk by. When they did, he would spring from his hiding place, grab the princess's arm, and they would ride off on his noble steed…oh, who was he kidding? Raven had probably gotten rid of the prince herself by now. He froze. Someone was approaching.

"And then, if you'll believe it, he poured the stuff into my father's goblet!"

Beast Boy frowned. The voice was light and easy, male, and unfamiliar. Worse was what he heard next.

"Your father didn't drink it, did he?" Raven's voice asked.

The male voice chuckled. "Of course he did. He had no idea it was swamp water. You should have seen his face."

Beast Boy carefully pushed aside a branch and found he had a perfectly clear view of the bench on which Raven now sat. Next to her was a young man Beast Boy had never seen before and could only assume was Prince Malchior. Were he not green already, he would have turned so in envy. Prince Malchior was everything a prince should be: tall, handsome, and apparently very smooth, since he'd gotten antisocial Raven not only to walk with him but to be interested in his stupid story. But things were only to get worse and worse for our changeling hero. A tiny, tiny smile was on Raven's lips. Beast Boy's heart sank. Almost two weeks with her and no result, and here this guy had her smiling in one day. Malchior turned to Raven. "I do believe, Princess, that you are the most lovely maiden I have ever had the privilege of laying eyes on." Raven blushed fiercely and looked away. Malchior smiled, and Beast Boy had the sudden sense of something very, very wrong. "I do not suppose your other suitor has told you that."

Raven blinked. "Other suitor?"

"Prince Garfield of Logan, I believe Duke Stone called him."

"Oh, Gar. He…" Raven didn't know what to say. What could she say to _Malchior_ about _Gar_? They were so different, the two princes. Funny how she hadn't thought of Gar since she'd met Malchior.

The white-haired prince leaned closer to her. "His idea of romance is probably to present you with a giant plush chicken or some such nonsense." He didn't know that Beast Boy had done such a thing, and Raven kept the plush chicken in her closet.

It was in that moment that Beast Boy heard a sound that under any other circumstances would have been the most beautiful sound in the world to him. As things stood, it was only the sound of impending doom.

Raven laughed.

---End Chapter Three---

And of course it would be a cliffhanger! I know you guys waited a long time for this, and look what I did to you… But, on the bright side, I think this idea may have temporarily cured my writer's block with regards to this story! That's a good thing, right? Malchior's presence was just a sudden inspiration, and it works for the story. I'll try very hard to get the next chapter up as soon as possible, okay? Love you all, and please review!


	4. Chapter 4

And now we begin chapter four, because that's what you want and the customer is always right. I mean, the reviewer is always right. That's it. I realize the last chapter wasn't that funny, but it gets hard to make what we're dealing with now funny. But I'll try to put the funny back in. Okay, readers of this fic, I want all of you to go read and review my other Titans story, The Raven Cycle. It's not really funny like this one, but go read it anyway. I hear it's good (grins), and I've noticed there are a lot of you reader-people. This should equal lots of reviews, yes? (It will if you ever want to see the rest of this story!) Yeah, I hear you screaming "Stop threatening us and get on with the story!" I will, I will. Oh, warnings of minor bad words (hell, okay? BB's probably gonna use "hell" a lot. And damn, but that won't just be from him). Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Haven't we been over this already? I do not own the Teen Titans.

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

---Chapter Four---

Beast Boy was in total and complete mental shock. How the hell had this happened? One minute he was on top of the world, about to rescue his beloved from the clutches of yet another stupid prince, and then suddenly everything had come crashing down on his head. Wait, beloved? Oh, hell, he did love her. He'd denied it mostly for her sake, but in reality he'd loved her since… since the night of the ball. That was when everything had started, wasn't it? Now he felt dizzy. What the hell was wrong with…

Fade to black.

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Raven wasn't sure which startled her more: the fact that she had laughed (was that what it was? It felt so strange) or the loud rustling in the nearby bushes. Malchior stood up and pushed aside a branch, revealing Prince Garfield of Logan collapsed in a dead faint. Now it hit Raven. She had laughed. At something Malchior said. She was going to have to marry Malchior. Gar had heard her laugh. Gar… By her father's decree, Gar was going to be executed. Her hands flew to her mouth. "No…" she whispered. Malchior was at her side again in an instant. "Don't worry, my darling, I'll send for someone to dispose of him." Raven stared at him. "What?" Malchior gestured at Gar. "Well, look at his clothes, your highness. He's obviously some ruffian who snuck onto the palace grounds." Raven looked. The green-skinned boy was no longer finely dressed as he had been since she met him. His clothes were rags, including the ripped cloak that had snagged on the bush he'd been hiding in. Raven frowned in confusion. "I don't understand why he's dressed like that, but he isn't 'some ruffian.' That is Prince Garfield of Logan." Malchior smiled, and it sent a chill up Raven's spine. She wondered briefly why she hadn't noticed before how feral he looked when he smiled. "My hapless rival, hm? What a shame." Raven's frown deepened, both at what her…fiancé…had said and at the distant but loud explosion that came from somewhere inside the palace. She knew what caused it, and it was very possible that that scared her more than Malchior right now.

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Beast Boy awoke with a terrible headache. Almost like he was hung-over… Not that he knew what that felt like, of course. Except there was that time with the drunken pirate… He moaned. Even when his head was killing him his mind came up with crazy things. Like the image of himself behind bars. Hold the phone a minute, he was behind bars! Not only that, he was chained to the wall! "What the hell's going on here?" Beast Boy yelled, not really expected a response.

"Oi! Shut it down there!"

"You shut it, ya a-hole!"

The voice proceeded to give a long, detailed, and highly unlikely description of his mother's sex life, but he wasn't listening anymore. He was obviously in the palace dungeon. "Malchior," he muttered fiercely.

"Gar?"

Beast Boy blinked. "Raven?" Just the sight of the Princess made this hell-hole a whole lot better. "What are you doing down here?" He then noticed the guard accompanying her. The guard let Raven into Beast Boy's cell. "The Duke says you can 'ave ten minutes wiv 'im, your 'ighness." Raven glared at the guard, who made an appropriately hasty exit. Beast Boy hung his head in defeat. "So, when do you marry your handsome prince?" Raven looked away. "Tomorrow evening." Beast Boy stared determinedly at the stone floor. "When are they gonna off me?"

Raven still didn't look at him. "Tomorrow, at dawn."

Beast Boy sighed. "Raven, seeing as how it doesn't really matter anymore, I have to be honest with you. I'm not a prince. I'm not a noble of any kind; I'm just a street rat who was lucky enough to meet some crazy lady with a magic cloak. Gar is my real name, but no one's called me that since I was a kid. Everyone calls me Beast Boy, when they bother to call me anything."

Raven didn't react. "Is that all?"

Beast Boy laughed. "No. I'm in love with you. But it doesn't matter, right? He's the one who made you laugh. He's the one you're going to marry."

Raven shook her head. "Damn you, Beast Boy. Damn you for waiting until now to tell me all of this. Damn you for making me care so much. And damn you for making me laugh!"

Beast Boy was in shock. "What?"

Raven turned to him at last. "It was you, not him. What he said, about the chicken… I thought of you, and I laughed. It had absolutely nothing to do with him."

Beast Boy chuckled at the irony of it all. "That's good to know when they're chopping my head off."

Raven glared at him. "Do you think I wanted this to happen?"

"Well, from the looks of things this afternoon, it sure as hell wasn't him you wanted down here!" Raven's eyes narrowed, and Beast Boy instantly regretted his words. "No," she said icily. "It wasn't." The guard reappeared. "Ten minutes are up, Princess." Raven left without another glance at Beast Boy, and the guard relocked his cell with a toothy grin before following Raven away. Beast Boy leaned back on the cell wall. "Damn it!"

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Raven stood on her balcony, staring at the stars. She wasn't surprised to hear Robin join her, and even less surprised that Princess Starfire was with him. They'd be announcing their engagement any day now, surely. Robin spoke first. "Raven, is this really what you want? To marry Malchior, I mean?"

"It's what my father wants and what Duke Stone wants and what Malchior wants," Raven replied softly. Robin approached her. "I didn't ask if it was what they wanted. I asked if it was what you wanted."

"Why does it matter what I want?"

Starfire at last broke the shy silence she had maintained with Raven since the ball. "On my planet we have a saying," she said firmly. "The duty to our people has a place, and so does the duty to our heart." Raven didn't respond, so Starfire continued. "I believe you are not listening to what your heart is telling you, friend Raven." Raven was silent.

"Raven, I don't care if Duke Stone hears about it and has a conniption fit," Robin said. "If you don't want to marry Malchior, you better tell somebody before the wedding tomorrow." He and Starfire left. Raven rested her head on the balcony railing. "I don't want to marry him," she whispered to the marble floor.

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Beast Boy had to laugh in spite of his otherwise currently melancholic outlook on life. Malchior hadn't known about his powers, and apparently Raven hadn't told anyone. Certainly if the guards knew he could change into animals, they wouldn't have given him a cell with a window. He chose a bird form (not a raven! Never again!) to escape, and from there it was smooth…wait a minute. He knew that immaculate head of white hair. Maybe he could poop on it… But hold on. Why was Malchior way out here and not inside the palace and all over Raven? 'Cause if Beast Boy was the one marrying her, you can bet… No. He couldn't let his mind keep returning to her. She was lost to him. He landed and transformed into something completely unobtrusive: a dog. The best advantage of this form other than stealth? Excellent hearing. Apparently Malchior was monologue-ing, and Beast Boy had a prime seat.

"And as soon as I make her my bride, I will take her magical powers for myself." Malchior smiled, and even from his slight distance Beast Boy could see the weird glint in the white-haired young man's eyes. "It was foolish of Prince Rorek to think he could slay the Great Dragon Malchior, and even more foolish of the far more inferior Prince Garfield to think he could capture Princess Raven's heart. Nothing gets in _my_ way." His grin widened, showing off fangs. "I love me."

---End Chapter Four---

There, a fast update ('cause I totally finished them both yesterday). Any and all parallels between different characters' dialogue are completely on purpose. Also on purpose was the very obvious unveiling of Malchior as the villain. He's just perfect for that, isn't he? I know, I know, another cliffhanger. So BB's safe, and now it's Raven that's in trouble! Review, everyone, and don't forget to read my other Titan's fic, The Raven Cycle! Review that too, because I won't put the next chapter of either story up until you do! Love ya!


	5. Chapter 5

I know I said this was finished, but I was looking at it again and decided to rework the last chapter and extend the story into a sixth chapter. Parts of this chapter have been given more detail, and part of it has been removed for the next chapter. Enjoy!

I do not own the Teen Titans.

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

---Chapter Five---

Beast Boy paced the ground underneath Raven's balcony, still in his dog form. Why was he even doing this? It wasn't like she wanted his help. He should just let her marry Malchior and find out for herself…oh, who was he kidding? He knew perfectly well that there was no way in hell he was going to let that…_dragon_ within two feet of his Raven. Wait, _his_ Raven? Yeah, he loved her, but that was going a bit far. Oh, whatever. He flew up to the balcony and landed just as Raven went inside and locked the door behind her. Bang on the door as he might, Beast Boy failed to get the Princess's attention, and all too soon she was out of sight. Beast Boy slumped against the door, but not in defeat. He was mentally reviewing all of the entrances and exits he'd discovered in his time at the palace, and where each and every hallway led. Fate was apparently telling him to think of something to save her before he talked to Raven, so that was what he would do. When the idea came, Beast Boy transformed into a hawk. He needed the speed as he flew towards the village.

--------

Raven was determined to stay up until dawn. She had to know that her last hope was dead, no matter how much it hurt. But dawn was at least five hours away, leaving her alone with her thoughts. No, she didn't want to marry Malchior. But why? It wasn't just the strange feeling she had now when he looked at her. (_Why_ hadn't she noticed it before?) She was already ashamed to admit she'd liked him until this evening. So what had changed? She had changed. Not just in the past day, but in the past two weeks. Ever since the stupid ball, where she had met Gar… no, Beast Boy. The nickname suited him so much better, and she found she almost liked it. She liked him. No, it was more than like. It was… no, that was silly. How could that be? Wouldn't she have realized it sooner if it was… love? Raven grimaced. Of course not. That whole no-emotions-whatsoever thing had a purpose: it kept away the pain, the hurt. It prevented the tears from falling when she realized how completely and utterly alone she really was. The main disadvantage was that it also kept her completely oblivious to her own feelings. A soft knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. Raven approached her door hesitantly. "Who's there?" It was a completely reasonable question, since it was around three in the morning. Only a few more hours until dawn…

"Raven? It's me," a familiar voice whispered. Raven flung open the door. "Beast Boy?" She grabbed him and subjected him to a bone-crushing hug not unlike those Starfire frequently gave people. "Rae… can't… breathe…"

"Oh!" She blushed and let him go. The lights in her room flickered, threatening to explode if she didn't control herself. They both took a deep breath, though for different reasons. "How did you escape?" Raven asked. Beast Boy shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Raven, you can't marry Malchior."

"I know."

"Wait, you know he's a dragon out to steal your powers?"

"What? No, I was going with the 'I don't love him' excuse. What do you mean he's out to steal my powers?"

Beast Boy sighed. "Raven, there aren't a whole lot of meanings to that phrase."

Raven smiled slightly, amused by how her doing so made Beast Boy's eyes light up. Smiling got easier every time she did it. "So why are you here?"

He flushed and smiled sheepishly. "I'm here to rescue you. It backfired last time, so I changed my plan a little. I've got the perfect way for you to get out of marrying Malchior."

"I'm listening."

He blushed even more. "There's a priest down in the village that isn't too happy about being woken up this early in the morning. Raven, will you marry me?"

She stared at him. He mentally smacked himself, calling himself an idiot for thinking that she actually might…

"Yes."

"Huh?"

Raven smiled. "I said yes."

He smiled back and took her hand. "Come on. We don't have much time."

--------

At dawn it was discovered that "Prince Garfield of Logan" was not in his cell. Soon after it was also discovered that Princess Raven was not in her room… or in the library. Guards were dispatched to find them.

Beast Boy and Raven were having trouble trying not to smile like idiots at each other. They knew the guards from the palace would soon be looking for them, so they went over the plan again.

"The Shinara Inn is a really nice place. Not high class like the stuff you're used to, and you'll have to do actual work, but I seriously doubt you'll be found there." Beast Boy looked down. "I don't know how long I'll be, but I swear that I will come for you."

Raven smiled slightly. "I know you will, and you know I'll wait as long as I have to."

"There they are!" a deep male voice cried from a few feet away. Several guards rushed toward the pair. Beast Boy started to run away, pulling Raven with him, but Raven shook her head. He stopped and let the guards grab him roughly, letting go of Raven's hand reluctantly. One of the guards began to place handcuffs on him. "You are under arrest for the kidnapping of Princess Raven," the guard told him. Raven started to protest, but Beast Boy looked at her sharply. She stopped. Another guard, the apparent leader, turned to her. "Are you all right, Princess?" She nodded vaguely, watching as Beast Boy was led away. The guard looked relieved. "Well, I guess we'd better escort you back to the palace then, huh? You have a wedding to get ready for."

--------

Having now been at the palace for two weeks, Starfire understood Earth's customs and general human behavior well enough to know that Raven's mind was elsewhere as her maids prepared her for the wedding. Starfire was to serve as maid of honor, due to her royal status and closeness to Prince Robin. She watched carefully as the maids adjusted Raven's veil. The main clue to Raven's state of mind was that she had not said a word since the guards had escorted her up to her room, where Starfire had been told to wait. The veil at last satisfactorily in place, the maids left. Starfire approached her friend and- she hoped- future relative. "Raven, you have been unusually quiet since your return and have made none of the sarcastic complaints. What is it that distracts you?" Raven, who had been looking at herself in her dressing table mirror and had completely forgotten Starfire was there, turned around. She looked at the Tamaranean princess, seeing only friendly concern in those bright green eyes. "Starfire, can you keep a secret?"

"Of course, friend Raven."

Raven smiled. "I'm not marrying Malchior."

Starfire's eyes widened. "That… that is wonderful news, but if you are not to marry him, why...?" She was cut off by Robin entering the room. He was to give Raven away, despite the fact that he didn't like the idea very much. "Ready?" he asked his cousin. Raven stood up carefully, ignoring the loud rustling her dress made, though it once would have made her shudder. "Yes, I'm ready."

--------

By the time they had reached the Great Hall downstairs, Starfire had given up on learning exactly what Raven had meant about not marrying Malchior. She walked down the aisle with grace and ease, accepting the stares she earned from the large number of nobles who had never before seen anyone from her planet. Robin looked at Raven one more time as the processional music started. "Are you really sure about this?" She smiled brightly, completely unnerving him. "Don't worry, Robin. That's our cue." They started down the aisle. Everyone murmured about how lovely the princess looked, and how she looked happier than they had ever seen her. Raven wondered what they would think if they knew the truth. When they reached the altar, Robin handed Raven over to Malchior, a small but distinct frown furrowing his eyebrows. Raven gave Malchior a completely fake smile, and the dragon bought it. They turned to the priest. As the man droned on, Raven observed that this priest was better dressed but no less irritable-looking than the one she'd visited early this morning. At least that one had reason to be annoyed.

"Do you, Prince Malchior, take the Princess Raven of Azarath to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, protect and comfort, as long as you both shall live?" Raven fought the slight urge to snicker at the priest's words. Malchior smiled at her, and she caught the wicked look in his pale eyes. "I do."

"And do you, Princess Raven, take the Prince Malchior of Asharda, to be your lawful wedded husband, to honor and obey as long as you both shall live?" Raven took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth, in more ways than one.

"I can't."

"What?" Duke Stone cried from the front row of seats. Starfire and Robin exchanged worried glances. Malchior's eyes looked fierce, though his mouth still smiled. "My dear, what do you mean, you can't?"

Raven released her own fake smile. "I can't marry you, Malchior, because as of five o'clock this morning, I am already married."

The Great Hall erupted in the outraged whispers (and in some places much louder complaints) of the court. The priest looked thunderstruck. Malchior was looking angrier by the second, though he tried to hide it. Raven turned and looked pointedly at one of those who had come to observe her wedding. The man stood and made his way to the front as the priest at the altar asked, "Have you any witnesses to this marriage of yours, your highness?"

"She does," said the other man, who all could now see was dressed in the garb of a common village priest. "I married her to a green fellow by the name of Garfield Logan this morning just before dawn." More outrage from the audience. Had she turned around to see him, Raven might have laughed at the expression on Duke Victor Stone's face. As it was, she was more concerned with Malchior's expression. She reached for the small book she had given to the village priest that morning and he held out to her now, just hidden from everyone else's view. Malchior was furious, but he rearranged his face into what seemed to be a calm expression. "It doesn't matter, my dear. I can still get what I came for." He reached for her arm. She stepped away, whipping the book out from behind her back.

Malchior paused. "Now really my dear, you don't want to do that."

Raven actually smiled at him. "Oh yes, I really do."

Everyone stared in shock. Raven opened the book. "Algernon an letrenon volsoln learus norm," she recited. Malchior shrieked in rage and pain as he was sucked into the vortex coming from the book. Raven snapped the book shut and handed it to the village priest. "Thank you for all of your help. I would appreciate it very much if you would destroy this for me." The royal priest made a sound of protest, but the village priest bowed and exited with the book held very carefully.

Raven turned to her wedding guests. "It is without the slightest regret that I must inform you of the truth about Prince Malchior. He was an imposter. It was Prince Rorek that went against the dragon Malchior, and he lost his life in the process. Malchior heard about my powers and wanted to marry me only to steal them." She smiled a tiny bit when she noticed Duke Stone had fainted. "Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm leaving." She walked back up the aisle alone, leaving a large number of amazed and confused guests.

She didn't care.

---End Chapter Five---

Chapter Six is already up, so go read that! Thank you for your time and attention, and thank you to Michelle Campbell for the actual curse used to seal Malchior in the book.


	6. Chapter 6

And now for the rewritten ending of this story. I kept the elements that everyone liked, and added a few things just for fun. It's kind of short, but the last one was kind of long, so it evens out. Enjoy!

I do not own the Teen Titans.

**If I Call Her Beautiful, Something Might Explode**

---Chapter Six---

The other waitresses and the barmaids at the Shinara Inn, just on the border between Steel Kingdom and Jump Kingdom, had a policy of not asking questions, but in this case they were hard-pressed to hold to that policy. For the three- almost four- years since she'd joined them, the dark-haired young woman who called herself Rae had been quiet and fairly antisocial. She exhibited only the smallest of odd behaviors: going around with an unusually large smile the day the news came that Prince Robin of Jump Kingdom had married Princess Starfire of Tamaran, and letting out a sigh of what sounded like relief when it was announced that the search for Princess Raven had ceased without result. Yet on one day a year she mystified her co-workers by humming as she cleaned off tables and wiped down the bar. On that day she greeted every customer with a smile and took their orders cheerfully. Strangest of all was the eagerness in her blue-violet eyes every time the door opened and the slight disappointment when another customer entered. By the time night fell and most of their regulars had left, she would be sitting at a table near the fireplace, her spirits dimmed. This was the third time this had happened, and her co-workers were worried about her. She didn't even look up when a jingling heralded the opening of the door but continued to stare into the fire.

The customer, his face hidden by the hood of his cloak, looked around the dining room of the inn. A waitress approached him, but he waved her away with a gloved hand. He walked confidently to the table near the fireplace and stood next to Rae. She looked up. Her eyes widened and a joyous smile spread across her pale face. The customer took her hands and helped her stand up. She let go with one hand and pushed his hood down, revealing a green face topped by shaggy darker green hair. He smiled at her. "I like the wig."

She made a face. "I don't. It itches." She reached up and slid off the black wig, revealing her natural purple hair. It was longer than it had been four years ago, now reaching past her shoulders. They'd both changed in that time. He was taller, and she had to look up to meet his eyes. He'd filled out too, become more muscular. It wasn't surprising; they'd been only eighteen when they'd married. Beast Boy's smile softened. "I'm sorry I took so long," he said quietly. Raven tossed the wig onto the table and put her arms around his neck. His moved to her waist. "I've been working in the circus," he explained. "It sucks, but the money's good. Still, the entire time I was there, I only wanted one thing."

Raven blinked. "What?"

Beast Boy's smile turned mischievous. "This." He leaned down and kissed her, and Raven felt that at this moment she finally knew what it meant to be perfectly happy. She kissed him back, and neither of them noticed when the entire row of beer mugs sitting on the bar exploded. They also failed to notice the complete panic said explosion sent the barmaids and other waitresses into. But then, in the grand scheme of their lives, what did it matter?

--------

Beast Boy- for though he was now a man, many people (his wife included) still called him by the old nickname- felt that his favorite time of day was just after the sun had set.

That was when Raven would take their three children outside to watch as the stars appeared. She would name each of them, and their daughter Birdy committed every word to memory. Their young son would sit in his mother's lap and stare in wonder, amazed by the shining lights in the dark sky. Those two were the quiet ones, like their mother.

Beast Boy would watch from the back door, leaning against the frame, until Birdy's twin Kitty would run to him, her green eyes sparkling. She would grab her father's hand and _insist_ that he join them. He always did so, laughing. Beast Boy would then sit on the ground next to Raven, with Kitty next to him, and he would listen as she continued to recite the names of the stars, moving onto constellations as they became visible. Kitty would inevitably ask questions, and Raven would answer them with a smile.

It was her favorite time of the day too.

---The End---

Sappy ending, but I liked it. You'll see the kids in another story I'm working on, but it won't be posted for a while. Currently going are The Big Giant What If and Love Isn't Blind, It Just Has Something In Its Eye, so I would love for you to read those too. For those of you who are already reading those, yay and thank you!

Now, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed: Frosty Pickle Juice, samuraigirl1213, Blueyedgirl, AureliusXsoul, Tuli-Susi, tietum, acosta perez jose ramiro, almostinsane, dreams-walker, Agent of the Divine One, XnvermoreX, Crazy Sugar Girl, Maniacal Genius, Scribe of Aurora, My-name-is-foxglove, addicted2danny, Zaknafain, Dark Demi, Michelle Campbell, DieRavenMaiden, i.am.emerson.tuesday, mysticfiresophia, and happyface925. Thank you also to anyone who decides to review after this is posted and anyone I may have missed. Kirihana, out.


	7. Author's Note

I noticed a few people still have this on alert, and that's a very good thing for what I'm planning.

Yes, this story is over a year old. It was the first one I posted on this website, and I'm very fond of it, but… I'm considering rewriting the whole thing. I just want to know if any of you would be interested. I'll be leaving the original version up until I start posting the new version, which I won't do until I finish it. I plan on altering the plot a little and putting characters (especially Cyborg) more in-character. The story will likely become longer, the formatting will be perfected, and it will just generally be improved.

I just want to know if you guys are going to read it again if I do this. Please let me know, and thank you all for your time.

Kirihana


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